Khullam Khulla #9: Porn for Mutual Pleasure

Khullam Khulla #9: Porn for Mutual Pleasure

One of the most common sets of questions asked of Dr. Watsa the Sexpert at the Mumbai Mirror has to do with porn addiction. I’m going to dodge the question of addiction today, but porn has been a surprisingly common topic of conversation between me and my ladyfriends recently.

Lips, Lydia Modi-Vitale

Lips, Lydia Modi-Vitale

Specifically, in the space of a week, two friends—both gorgeous, smart, confident women—confessed that they had found their boyfriends watching porn and felt some version of “I know that I should be cool with it, but it made me really upset.” They felt that as strong, confident women, they should support their partner’s right to get turned on by porn without being threatened by it. But they did feel weird about it—weird that their partner was getting aroused and getting off by watching someone who wasn’t them! Were they not good enough that their partner needed to turn to externally produced videos and images to get aroused?

It makes total sense that many of us are uncomfortable with the idea of our partners watching porn (and this holds true for men and women alike). Even if they’re not actually having sex with someone else, it feels as if they are relating sexually to the people on the screen…almost like a form of emotional cheating.

But porn doesn’t have to be about separation. What if my friends and their partners watched porn together? If we create a space in our intimate relationships for sharing porn (or erotica), could we create an experience of trust and mutual pleasure rather than suspicion and hurt?

Coupling, KK

One of my friends noted that her partner likes pretty standard “stag” porn—of the big breasts, loud squeals, ramming from behind variety. She’s not into that at all. But she could imagine getting turned on by porn that were more story-oriented, specifically featuring men in uniforms (classic!) and showed more foreplay. I told her that my partner and I had really enjoyed watching old-school erotic movies together. Think French films with soft gauzy sunlight and couples disappearing into the bushes. There’s something really sexy about getting stimulated alongside and with your partner—it did wonders for our sex life!

Ask yourself: What kinds of images and stories get you aroused? Do a little research—get recommendations from your friends, or look around the web and see what tickles your fancy. No matter your preferences, I can nearly 100% guarantee that there is some hot stuff out there that will work for you. And even if your partner isn’t crazy about the kind of porn you like—it’s ok to have different tastes—they will love watching you get turned on! You can also play with reading erotica together (maybe out loud!), or looking at pictures. It doesn’t have to just be about videos.

There’s no doubt my friend’s boyfriend will also still want to watch his favorite porn, by himself. But the point is to create a shared space for engaging with porn and with each other. It’s about getting turned on together. And it really can change everything.

To some of you, this may all sound very, well, awkward. Just think of porn as another way to increase your pleasure and intimacy with your partner. As the blogger Violet Blue writes: “Enjoy watching porn with your sweetie—it’s a terrific sex toy. But I’ll bet that once you put the tape in, you won’t be watching the screen for long.”

Check out Violet Blue’s great tips on porn for couples. Or explore the winning entries from the Feminist Porn Awards.

Got a question we should answer in the next Khullam Khulla? Let’s hear it: hello@badalja.com.