Khullam Khulla #6: Take It Slow the First Time
Welcome to Khullam Khulla! — New name, same old series where we speak candidly about sex and relationships. As is our tradition, we offer practical tips to bolster advice from world-famous sexpert Dr. Mahinder Watsa. Let’s just say the doctor’s input often leaves much to be desired. So here we are—to be open, direct, honest.
Today we take on one of Dr. Watsa’s many unanswered questions. (Seriously, there are so many unanswered ones! Another sign Indian youth should receive proper sex education?)
Q: Hey, This is an 18 year old girl. I have some question related to very soon upcoming—my first time experience. I’m not very shy when it comes to intimacy, but when it’s about having sex for the first time—MAN do I get chills! I’m with this guy and it’s been a year. He’s 23 and a virgin just like me (he is ethical and believes in just one partner). We’ve been till 2nd base, and he’s given me oral too. But it’s like, I’m nervous about having sex. Is it right? Is it right to have it right now? What if things change? About the guilt I’d feel if it turns out wrong? Too many questions at once. So, what I want to know is: Should I have sex or should I wait? And if yes, then tips for first time?
This is such a thoughtful question—you’re clearly really aware of what works for you. And, you’re aware of the complexities of having sex, especially as it’s going to be your first time. So, you’re already a step ahead of most women (and men) in your position!
The question of whether or not you are ready to have sex for the first time is so personal—I can’t tell you “yes” or “no.” What I can say is this: There’s nothing wrong with having sex, especially with someone you care about and when you’re using protection. It can be a beautiful way to explore your bodies and relationship.
If you and your boyfriend decide to give it a try, make sure that you guys have an honest talk beforehand—about your expectations, fears, and limits. Make sure that he knows that even as you guys are heading towards “home base,” you have the right to stop at any time. My other tips would include: stock up on condoms and lube. Get tested for STDs at your gynecologist, just in case. And take it slow—good sex is all about foreplay!
But it also sounds like you aren’t totally comfortable with the idea of sex right now—perhaps because of factors in your own life or simply because you don’t feel quite ready.
Here are some questions for you: What are you actually nervous about? What is the “it” you refer to that might be right, or turn out wrong if you have sex? Is it about sensation – pain or discomfort? Your relationship with your boyfriend? Or is it about what others might say? What kind of guilt are you worried about, and why?
I’m not asking you these questions to imply that you should be nervous or scared. But you clearly have some second thoughts floating around in your mind – I think you need to face them directly before you decide whether or not you want to have sex right now. If you’re honest with yourself about your own concerns, you can make a better decision about what’s right for you at this point in your life.
In the long-term, good sex is grounded in an honest, compassionate relationship to your own desires and fears. So honor yourself by taking it slow right now and thinking through it—you’re in no rush.
- Oh yes! Sex and consent
- Learning about sex without sex education
- First time sex: myths busted
- Tips, warnings, and corroboration for the first time you have sex—however you define it